Paint smells. (11/27/02)

THINGS I NOTICED THIS WEEK:

-- BIG WIDE WORLD

There are so many cultures and peoples in NYC. It really is amazing. And people bring their cultural idiosyncrasies with them. For example, in Asian countries, people are used to squatting, especially if they are from the older generations. If they are hanging out by the corner or cooking near a stove on the floor, they squat. Anyway, I was walking towards the Amish Market near work, and these two fairly young Asian guys were walking towards me, smoking their cigarettes. They noticed the bench outside of the market and decided to cop a squat. Literally. They put their feet on the"seating" part of the bench and then they squatted, like hens. It was really interesting. Maybe they're more germ-phobic than me about sitting on public property? Or it was just more comfortable for them to just cop a perched squat. I don't know. Side bar: Also, although many are considered old school and have been tossed for the new American models, there are still squatting toilets all around the world. Yes, you squat and do your business.

-- BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

It's been getting colder here in NYC, with threats of snow and wind (which have yet to materialize). However, people have brought out their winter wear. Hats, scarves, gloves, mittens, parkas, you name it. A couple of days ago, this woman, in jeans, sandy-colored fur-trimmed parka, sunglasses and frosted hair, walked by. I then noticed her hands. She was wearing boxing gloves for mittens. Now, do you think she was "on a mission?" Mama said knock you out! Or, just a really quirky lady? You know, there was this woman in Boston who used to roller skate around Ann's neighborhood wearing oven mitts on her hands. She was a little mentally off, but if you are rollerblading/skating and don't have the money for safety gear, I think oven mitts are an excellent alternative. And so are boxing gloves.

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Big Thanksgiving Turkey/Tofurkeys to:

* Bob and Russell

* Ann, Dabney, Diane, Jack and Fiedler

* Michelle E.

* Carey and her brother Matthew

Do you hear that? (11/20/02)

So, I hit a major wall at work this week. My job, as some of you know, is working on financial reports. Well this week, I lost the ability to add and subtract. Completely. Couldn't do it. Just numbers floating on a page. It was sad really. Freaked me out. My friends thought that may be this happened because I am bored at work. But I am not, really. I think it is because I have always had a mental block against money. Balancing it, transfering it, paying it off for this and that, borrowing it. Spending it is not a problem. But figuring out where it goes and why there is a daily balance and an APR for the year-- now that makes me want to hurl heavy large things at the credit card companies. Thankfully, my ability to add has come back, slowly. I am not sure what happened. Age? Lack of sleep? Aliens drilling in my brain? I will never know.

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LESSON LEARNED
My super came by two nights ago because it seemed my shower was leaking and causing damage below. So, I said sure, come on in. He worked on it -- put down some new caulk, tinkered behind the taps. I let him be and wandered back to my chair to watch some tv. Didn't want to bother him -- he knew what he was doing-- or so I thought. So yesterday I found out what he did: he did caulk the tub and tinker around. But he also closed up the valve that drains the water out of my shower. So now, the water just builds up, around my feet, grossing me out. Freaks me out even now. All that soupy stuff --euw. Next time my super comes to fix something, I am going to watch.

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This week's horoscopes go out to:
- Kim, thanks for calling in
- Yvette, YOU are the funny one
- Bob, get out the HUMIDIFIER

You got some bagel stuck in your teeth...right there (11/13/02)

I don't have much to contribute this week. If youhave anything you want to say, let me know and I willdistribute it next week.

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My Winter Speech: Replenishing Fluids
You know, every year I give this speech, but I can't tell you how important it is to replenish your fluids. The heat, mostly dry, depletes you of fluid and those electrolytes that keep your body and immune system going. So, keep drinking that water and Gatorade (I swear by that stuff -- it really does quench your thirst when you are sick -- water just doesn't do it) and get a humidifier. Yes a humidifer. It is a pain in the ass to clean, but your respiratory system (and your skin) will thank you.

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RETRACTION: I received quite a few emails about my NYC etiquette email last week: all dealing with children not deserving seats. I retract that statement and now say that children under 8 deserves eats. I think that children above 8 have the balance and dexterity to stand in a moving bus. Especially if there are elderly or pregnant people on board who are also standing.

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This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:
-- Dabney, Happy birthday!
-- Ann and Dabney, congratulations (again) on the engagement!
-- Sunita and Greg, congratulations on the engagement!

I can't wait to watch Enterprise tonight! (11/06/02)

Rules of NYC Etiquette by Michelle Park:

Chapter IX: BUSES

1) When waiting for a bus, stay in a line and do not cut that line. If you see someone cut the line, feel free to tell that person that there is a line. Sometimes, people are just stupid and don't notice. If they ignore you, feel free to mutter a loud rude comment about them.

2) Do not stand on the curb while waiting for the bus. The bus is a large, fast, heavy beast and if you have the misfortune to be clipped or run over by one because you were standing on the curb, then that's your own damn fault. Always stand at least 2 feetaway from the curb to avoid fatality (This alsoa pplies to intersections -- see chapter VIII: Walking in NYC).

3) Always have your Metrocard or fare ready before you get on the bus. If you are not ready, let others get on the bus before you do.

4) If the bus is crowded, move to the very BACK of the bus. There is ALWAYS room at the back of the bus and sometimes even a seat. Usually, though, there is a tiny sliver of a seat, usually between two people who feel that they need much more room than other people do.

5) If you must stand in the middle of the crowded bus and not move to the back, then be ready to be yelled at and jostled. That's your punishment and NYers have every right to make mean comments about you, unless you are a parent and need to stay near your seated child.

6) Children do not deserve seats. Old, disabled orpregnant people deserve seats. Not children.

7) Do not use your cell phone in public. Refrain from conversations about your stock trading or what you did last night. No one cares. We hate you for talking so loud.

8) Your bags do not deserve a seat either.

9) Always let people off the bus. The more you delay them, the longer you will be on the bus. Be ready to be stepped on. That just goes with the territory of being on a crowded bus. It doesn't do you any good to gripe about it either.

10) Do not talk loudly or carry a loud conversation on the bus: other passengers do not care that you think your child is the brightest thing on the planet. We think he is a rude child that was never taught by you to talk about and point at strangers.

11) Feel free to scream "BACK DOOR" if the bus' back doors do not open.

12) When pressed forcefully, the yellow tape on the back doors open the doors automatically.

13) Do not sigh loudly or act annoyed if a disabled person in a wheelchair gets on board. They have just as much right if not more to be on that bus.

14) Do not eat on the bus -- that's just gross.

15) Say hello and goodbye to the bus driver. S/hemay not respond to you, but it is the polite thing todo.

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PLUG:This Saturday, November 9, ASPCA will be at the Central Park bandshell from 11-4, showcasing some very adoptable dogs and cats. I will be there, doghandling as usual. So if you are interested ingetting a pet, come on by!

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This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:

>> Kim, thinking of you

>> Lori, thanks

>> Michelle E., doing headstands in your office were the highlight of that job

>> Mike, Jen and Graham, thanks for hosting the animals