I AM COVERED IN BUG BITES (4-30-05)

NOTE: The formatting of this post is all screwed up and I don't want to take the trouble to fix it

I am in Florida taking care of my mom and cleaning out the attic.Florida is a scary, scary place. More later.

pink, pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moon (4-20-05)

DAMMIT – just spent the last 30 minutes typing up a particularly witty
essay and then forgot to save. DAMN. So all I have now is:

Witty, witty, witty, bon mot, bon mot, snarky, snarky, snarky.

Not so good.

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ROAD RULES

I think it is time to refresh everyone's memory about the rules of the
road. Since we humans have created automobiles, bicycles, and other
methods of modern transportation,* I believe that we all need a
reminder about what is appropriate on the roads today.

Basically, there is a chain of command on the roads that I think we
have all forgotten. So here is a reminder:

PEDESTRIANS:
Pedestrians beat nothing. People walking on the street are considered
fair fodder on the road. And they are stupid enough to think they are
the kings of the road. Most pedestrians really do think that they can
beat an oncoming vehicle. They also think that it is the oncoming
vehicle's responsibility to see them and not hit them. Yeah, right.
You know that the passenger in that oncoming vehicle is daring the
driver to hit you for 10 points.

A car is a mass of metal, fiberglass, glass, and other things
automotive and weighs more than 2,300 lbs. Now, a moving car has the
laws of momentum and other physics mumbo jumbo on its side. Yet,
people every day test their luck against a moving vehicle. I once saw
a woman try to scamper across an intersection. She did not have right
of way, but that didn't stop her. She darted into an oncoming vehicle
and the car's brakes screeched to a stop. She stood in the middle of
the street, like a deer caught in headlights, and then scampered
across the street. So idiotic.

And even if you have right of way, you don't have right of way. Many
a person has tried to cross the street and almost got sideswiped by a
turning vehicle.

So remember: A pedestrian is the lowest form of being on the road.

CARS:
Now, when most people get behind the wheel of a car, they become
crazed egomaniacs and think they are the Kings of the Road. Well,
they aren't. Drivers of cars can run over small animals and
pedestrians, intentionally and unintentionally. However, trucks,
18-wheelers/semis, those vehicles that carry gas and other things can
run over cars anytime they want. And large farm animals, deer and elk
will definitely impede the average car from moving from point a to
point b.

Also, cars can go fast, but just because they can doesn't mean they
should. Sure, you can speed through Montana, Wyoming, North and South
Dakota and most of Nevada, but that's only because there are not
enough humans living there. However, just because there is no one on
the road, doesn't mean there is no one on the road. For example, I
went 80 mph down a 35 mph road in Austin, TX. I thought no one was
there. Well, a cop was hiding in the brush. Luckily, I started
hysterically crying and he let me go with a warning. But YOU may not
be so lucky. So drive carefully.

TRUCKS/SEMIS/VERY LARGE VEHICLES:
Trucks, semis and other ridiculously large vehicles generally rule the
road. Why? Because they are huge, have very poor visibility and wide
turning paths. Do you think that an 18-wheeler is going to care that
you are in the lane? Of course not! The truck driver is going to go
wherever the hell he wants to go. He has the huge motor, sheer bulk
weight and some major physics in his favor. I don't even think a deer
would hurt a semi. It may impede it for a short period of time, but I
can't imagine that it would stop it from its destination.

So, to quickly recap: Trucks and semis beat cars. Deer and elk beat
cars. Cars beat pedestrians. Pedestrians beat no one.

Now, the real King of the Road is Nature. The smallest squirrel can
wreak the worst havoc on the road. Deer and elk have been previous
mentioned, but other large farm animals do create incredible speed
bumps. Also, you can't beat hail, hurricanes, snow, ice, and other
weather-related traumas.

So, be careful out there. Wear your seatbelt. Look both ways before
you cross the street.

*Humans did domesticate donkeys and elephants for transportation, but
I think for our purposes here, we shall stick to cars, etc.

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This week's horoscopes go out to:

Carey, Steven and Jennifer Q.
The Marthas
Sandy

HAIKU DEADLINE FRIDAY, APRIL 15 11:59 AM (4/14/05)

HAIKU DEADLINE FRIDAY, APRIL 15 11:59 AM

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I am pre-empting this week's horoscopes to let you know that I am not
only walking the AIDS Walk on Sunday, May 15th, but I am captaining a
team.

If you are interested in joining the team, go to the web site:
http://aidswalk.net/newyork/index.html
and go to Register Now and click on "Join A Team" The team name is
"Not Affiliated with Anything Team - 7297"

If you are interested in donating, you can either send me a cash or
check (made out to AIDS Walk New York) to my address (contact me via
email: girlladyfriend@gmail.com) or donate online by going to
http://aidswalk.net/newyork/index.html and go to Sponsor a
Participant. My name is Michelle Park, in case you forgot.

If my instructions are confusing, well, that won't be a first.
Contact me with any questions at girlladyfriend@gmaill.com

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Last weekend Les and Sylvia, Carey's grandparents, taught me how to
play mah jongg. Les and Sylvia are great -- in their 80s, fantastic
mah jongg players and teachers, and have great hairpieces. Mah jongg
is a fantastic game. Yes, it's a game famous with the geriatric set,
but the stategery behind the game is what makes people live longer.
The amount of brain power needed to get through one game is
incredible.

And learning mah jongg just gets me one step closer to being prepared
for retirement. So far, I can play golf badly, play croquet badly,
aquacise really well, like most soft foods, eat dinner at 4:30 PM and
go to sleep at 8, if I have to.

Almost there.... Just need to get a hang of shuffleboard and bingo.

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This week's horoscopes go out to:
Bob and Russell
Carey, Steven and Alex
Les and Sylvia, great hosts with a terrible knowledge of casseroles

Gross me out

I think I grossed people out with my last horoscope email. O well. I have the disgusting need to share.

Because you told me it was important (4/7/05)

So I had the most incredible food poisoning this week. It was really unreal. Nothing would stay down. Not even water. For almost 24 hours, I had chills, they were electrifying and I did lose control, but not in a good way. It was miserable. I never wanted to eat again. So for 24 hours, with very little water, my brain started to get really gummy. It felt dehydrated. And very out of body in a way. I felt like a desert frog buried underneath the ground waiting for the rain.

[Oh, I should explain that the food poisoning was caused by Boston Market, rotisserie chicken. I am never going to eat at Boston Market ever again. And I have sincere doubts whether I will eat chicken again, but we shall see.]

Two days later and I am starving. It’s amazing how quickly the body rebounds. I am ravenous really. This morning, I thought the woman in front of me was eating a giant moon pie (http://www.moonpie.com/). It had me salivating. But it turned out to be a pumpernickel bagel with cream cheese. I wonder if being dehydrated has affected my vision.

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HAIKUS HAIKUS HAIKUS
To girlladyfriend@gmail.com
By April 15, 2005. The competition is getting harsh. Hurry and submit now!

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Check out past emails and other ephemera at http://girlladyfriend.blogspot.com

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This week’s horoscopes go out to:
RUSSELL FROST & BOB MADISON, my knights in shining armors!
Mija and Kevin, two people who have a reservation next door to me in the loony bin
Ann, Dabney, Jen, Michelle E., Lynn, Rana, Briana, next time, less rain!
Lori who has the gall to be in Italy and enjoy it

newspapers

I got this from coworker Barry and I think they are quite accurate.

Subject: WHO'S READING WHAT?
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.