At my Smokenders (http://www.smokenders.com/) meeting yesterday, a
classmate called me, "Little Miss Smart Ass." Yes, she did.
Now, usually, it takes about me about 4 weeks to really get the Smart
Ass in me out in a class setting. Seriously. But I guess I must be
in my prime because this was only in the 2nd class. What did I say
that made her call me "Little Miss Smart Ass?" Well, I'll tell
you...in a minute.
First off, I should explain what Smokenders is. [For those of you in
the know, entertain yourself by writing a haiku about toilet paper.]
Smokenders is a 6-week program that teaches you how to quit smoking.
It's like Weight Watchers for smokers. I could go into more detail,
but I won't. The important thing to know though is you are still
smoking for 4 weeks out of 6. Well, it is the most important thing
for me.
So, this woman, who we shall call Droopy Puss, was frustrated and
whining that her cigarettes didn't label how much nicotine was in the
cigarettes. Now, cigarette companies are only legally supposed to
label how much tar is in their cigarettes (as if that's any help).
They won't tell you how much nicotine is actually in their cigarettes,
because they don't want you to know how addicted to their crack you
are. So, she was whining (or for the U.K. folk out there, whinging)
for a while so I felt I had to turn around and let her know that there
is a 1-800 number on all packs of cigarettes. I actually showed her
where it was and Droopy Puss was very shocked and happy and
appreciative.
I thought that went well. But then the class went on.
During this week we are only allowed certain beverages while smoking
(and no, Bob, none of them are whisky, bourbon or gin). One of the
accepted beverages is orange juice. This other woman, let's call her
Leatherface, complained that orange juice is just too fattening to
drink and she couldn't do it. (Yes, almost everyone in the class has
a defeatist attitude, but what do you expect from a bunch of smokers
who are trying to quit?) The reactions/comments I had that I DIDN'T
share with the class were, "What the fuck? Orange juice is
fattening??? Just how much orange juice does Leatherface think she
needs to drink?" and "Leatherface has MAJOR food issues if she thinks
a glass of orange juice is fattening." Well, what I ended up saying
to her was, "Well, orange juice is better for you than cigarettes."
This got a laugh and agreement from the entire class, except for
Leatherface. I got the impression that she didn't find it funny.
By the end of the class, almost everyone had run out the door (after 2
hours, they all needed a cigarette). As I was leaving the room,
Droopy Puss was talking to the instructor. When I passed her, Droopy
said, "And I had no idea that there was an 1-800 number until Little
Miss Smart Ass told me..."
Well, bowl me over with a stick of salami!
(I don't know where I got that)
I was a little puzzled over my new moniker, but I have to say that it
is better to be Little Miss Smart Ass than Droopy Puss or Leatherface
any day.
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So for those of you who are keeping count, this is my 3rd time at
Smokenders. The first time was either 2000 or 2001. Smokefree for 1
year. Then started and smoked for 1 year. Then did Smokenders again
and quit for 1 year and then this August, started again. So this
time, I hope to make it stick.
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This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:
Cynthia -- you WILL pass your exams, I GARRRAHHHNTEEE!
Kim & Ethan -- can't wait to see you!
Congratulations to Anjali and her groom!
Michelle E -- no, you're the best!
Graham -- Get over your phone phobia and talk to your aunt!
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