Wocka-doo, wocka-doo, wocka-doo [HAIKU WINNERS] (7/02/03)

NOTE: MY APOLOGIES IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED THIS EMAIL TWICE.

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AND NOW THE RESULTS OF THEUNIVERSAL AMERICAN GRAND NATIONAL HAIKU CONTEST #2

FIVE TIE FOR SECOND PLACE

Listed in alphabetical order by first name:

Idle or Idol

Blue light shines on glazed pupils

Hypnotized by box

By Ann Manubay & Dabney Frake, Boston, MA

Comments:Yes! Death to television!

I like the focus on a type of media, and not a particular outlet

Damn you all to hell

Dubya, Cheney, and your pals.

Christian? Right. Should pray.

By Dan Cohn ("Pluto"), Washington, DC

Comments:Excellent!

The Fox News Channel:

blonde, lip-glossed, botox bimbos.

(Real Journalism)

By Erin Elizabeth Smith & Antonio Carlos DeFeo, Pelham Manor, NY

Comments:Yes!

Don't they all have blond bimbos?

Since when is blond spelled with an e?

Holy war, our way

Teaching patriotic hate,

Xenophobes have won

By Jonathan Bell, Los Angeles, CA

Comments:Ditto

Newspaper Headline:

Jayson Blair-Sign of the Times?

Leaves Black on our Hands.

By Nichole Peterson, San Diego, CA

Comments:

That is magnificent.

Ouch.

And now, for the winner....Drum roll please...This year's winner of the "Why I hate (or dislike) the media" haiku contest,who is not only the second winner ever of this contest, but also coincidentally married to the first ever winner of this contest, is......

THE WINNER, ETHAN DECKER!

Plane crash, seven dead

Pipe bomb, deadly virus, rape

Next: doggy salons

By Ethan Decker, Boulder, CO

Comments:

Clever

Excellent imitation of today's media

++++++++++++++++++++++

Michelle Park's comments:

First I would like to say thank you to everyone who submitted haikus and allof those who pointedly told me that they weren't creative enough or hadenough time to write a haiku. I would like everyone to know that althoughthere were a couple of songwriters in the contest, there were no haikumasters. Well, I take that back, there were a couple of haiku masters, butnobody who is a professional.

Second, I want to say, even though Ethan is married to Kim, the first winnerof the Grand Master Championship haiku contest (note: the first contest'stheme was poultry), there was no nepotism here because I didn't vote. Andneither of the judges knows either Ethan or Kim.

Which leads me to my third point: Enormously large hearted thanks to theHaiku Judges, Masters of their Universes, King and Queen of their owncastles and both literary scholars at heart and in profession:

Professor X

Goddess of Power

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AND NOW FOR SOME HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Now, these haikus did reasonably well and rated highly with some of thejudges. So, I thought I might share them with you:

My expectations

drop gently like snow amid

season replacements.

(By Mark)

J. Lo J. Lo J

Ben A. Ben A. Ben A. Ben

Oh, why do I care?

(By Ann & Dabney)

P3n!5 3nLARG3m3nt\

Nekk1d FarM G1rl L5 h0T 4 U

Ju5t OHhhhp3n th15 Ma1L

(By Mike, my brother. I am so PROUD!)

++++++++++++++++++++++

This week's horoscopes go out to:

Michelle Ertischek, thanks for judging

Bob Madison, thanks for judging (FYI: Bob has launched Dinoship, Inc., apublishing and entertainment company specializing in science fiction,fantasy, children's books, graphic novels and wonder products. Dinoship'sbooks and products have one purpose: to create a sense of wonder. Check itout: www.dinoship.com

Sally and Todd - goin' to the chapel and we're goin' getmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarried!

Lori and Audrey - can't wait for the drive up to Maine!

Kitty and Henry - can't wait to see you guys!

Saumya and Neena, thanks for helping me pick out my salwar kameez

Alex, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY

Francine and Lynda, thanks for lending me the sewing machine

Mark, your emails light up my life, they give me hope, to carry on!

Breathing is so underrated (6/25/2003)

So, I have bronchitis again. Therefore, I am going to take smoking cessation course called Smokenders to quit. I was successful for one year after that class. Of course, getting seriously angry made me relapse, but that's okay. This time I will work on quitting smoking and anger
management. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Please feel free to send me encouraging notes for the next two months while I go through this process. I will be successful again, dammit!

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My friend Lynn is very funny; she sent me an email with the header:
"Oh My God, it's the sun!" She notes: I hope you're feeling better! And able to enjoy that big yellow thing that's been in the sky for 2 days in a row - I think they use to call it the sun. :o)

Thankfully, she reminded me what it was. I stared at the orb for a couple of minutes trying to figure out what that warmth-giving light was. And then I burned my corneas. They tell me it is still sunny out.

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I have figured out what one major wrong thing in today's world. Yes, war, pestilence, hunger, they are all the things wrong in this world, but let's face it. War, pestilence, hunger and a lot of other bad things have been around since the beginning of time. What is wrong with TODAY's world is this: too many remote controls. We are in a modern age, the cutting edge of technology. The human race has made more technological advances in the past two hundred years than, well, ever. BUT we as a species can't work together (hence, the war, pestilence, hunger, et. al.) and make the technology work...

Hmm, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that we have too many remote controls. Since humans are egotistical and can't get along with one another, it makes sense that there are no universal remotes that will accommodate my TVs, VCR, DVD, stereo, and now, my air conditioner. If we can't centralize a measuring system (Isn't everyone else using metric? Or beans?), than how can I expect the electronics industry to make their products use some universal technology that will allow everything to be plugged into one remote system? I know that there are people out there who can centralize the remote system into one LCD screened remote (if you have seen the Osbournes, then you have seen Ozzy fight with that remote over and over again. BTW, did you see this week's episode? The new BMW Ozzy purchased uses voice recognition technology, but since Ozzy slurs his words, the car keeps asking him to repeat himself. Now, that's good TV), but that's too cost-prohibitive.

You know, the more I write, the more flaws I see in my logic. But what is surprising is that I refuse to go back and edit this. I am too lazy to go back and edit this essay to make sense. Which, you know, is also another flaw in the human race. That and electronics.

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This week's horoscopes go out to:

>> The miracle of sewing
>> Harry Potter - I just got my book!
>> US Postal Service - for delivering my book
>> Mike, Jen and Graham, good luck in FL!
>> Sally, Audrey, Christer, Robin, Zoe - good times :-) See you in MAINE
>> Sandy, the house owner
>> Manisha - I spoke to Kate last night and found out - YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!

There is a man with a ladder poking his head into the ceiling tiles. I wonder what he is up to... (6/11/2003)

Sorry this is a short one - thought up a great topic last night, but didn't write it down and forget what it was this morning. Oops. Lesson learned.

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The weather has been such a bitch this year. Cold and gray for six months straight and now it's sunny one day and gray and raining the next. Multiple personality disorder weather. At least it's not 40 degrees F in the day time. I guess we should all be thankful for small mercies.

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http://www.petoffice.co.jp/catprin/english/
I am really amazed at what people do in their spare time. Check out this web site - haute couture for cats.

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Quick announcement: I don't remember my cell phone voice mail password;
therefore, if you called and left me a message last week, I am sorry I never called you back. Note to everyone: if you think of calling me on my cell, please do not leave a message :-) And please do not send me an email telling me how I can get my password. I know how to get my password. I just don't want to get it.

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HAIKUS Update: They are still being reviewed by the judges (and no, I am not telling you who the judges are).

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This week's horoscopes go out to:

>> Gillian and Lynn, who leave in August for new adventures (and to Lynn again for going to Italy for a year! Come si dice "house guest" in Italiano?)
>> SunAe and her friends Matt and Lee, excellent picnic!

Happy brithday, happy birthday! (6/5/2003)

Thank you to all of you who submitted haikus. You are all very creative and inventive people. I am a little surprised how you stretched the word media into all sorts of directions. Which is exactly how I planned it. Excellent (I am channeling Mr. Burns from "The Simpsons"). Anyway, you should all hear very soon re: the winners. I am not judging, but some of my
close, personal friends are. So bribes are welcome.

*********************************************
I am dedicating this week's horoscopes to my brother, Dr. Mike, renowned vascular surgeon at Columbia. If you ever need something vascular worked on (deep vein thrombosis, carotid artery stenosis, gangrene, etc.), he's your man.

My brother and I used to fight all them time. The entire neighborhood could hear us yelling obscenities to each other from the time we were children. We finally grew out of it and now we are good friends. Of course, he has this bad habit of looking at some new electronic device of mine and saying,"You don't need that, do you?" But that's what brothers are for. I will always cherish those wrestling matches, water fights and his scaring me with stories of ax murderers loose in the neighborhood (and of course, the ax was "missing" from our garage). Ahh, good times.

So here's to you, my brother! Happy Birthday!

Love, your sis

Bring out your haikus! (5/28/2003)

Last call for haikus: all haikus are due to girlladyfriend@XXXX.XXX by June 3, 2003. Submit as many haikus as you want! Guidelines below:

++++++++++++++++++++++++
[guidelines deleted]

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This week's horoscopes go out to:

>> Mike, Jen and Graham, thanks for the hospitality
>> Carey and Steven, thanks for the hospitality
>> Alex, welcome back to the Big Apple
>> Michelle E., thanks for the support

Haiku, Haiku, my wonderful Haikus... (5/21/2003)

YOU HAVE ONLY 14 DAYS LEFT TO SUBMIT YOUR HAIKUS!!!!!

Now, for those who have forgotten what this contest is about:

SEND THEM TO: girlladyfriend@XXXX.XXX

THEME: Why I Hate (Some) Media

REMEMBER: 5-7-5 metric format

FOR INSPIRATION:
>> Spamhaiku.com http://www.spamhaiku.com/spamhaiku/site/index.html
-- a site dedicated to Spam, a worthy luncheon meat.
>> One person's version of haiku http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/
but still interesting
>> iSciFiStory.com
http://www.iscifistory.com/scifaku/elements/periodichaiku.asp
--
This site has a Periodic Table of Haiku. However, please note that they do not use the tradition 5-7-5 haiku format. And to be eligible in this contest, you must use the 5-7-5 format.
>> Haiku Movie Reviews http://www.igs.net/~mtr/haiku-reviews/
Quite brilliant

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The following haiku is from Barbara, who had her physics final last
Friday. So nonetheless, hating the media was not top of mind. But despite her
F=m*a craziness, she wrote a physics haiku:

Gravity pulls me,
Textbook equals mass times thought.
When is vacation?

I believe this applies to all my friends who are experiencing or have
finished exam hell. Good luck to you all!

**********************************************
My co-worked, Mary Alice, is going to New Zealand. And if that isn't cool enough, she is going to Zorb. What is Zorbing? Check out this link. www.zorb.com Well, for those not on a DSL, I will give you the dictionary definition of Zorbing (they say it is in the Concise OED, but I don't know whether I believe that or not): (n) a sport in which a participant is secured insidean inner capsule in a large, transparent ball, which is then rolled around the ground or downhill. Origin 1990s: invented word from zorb (the name of the ball used in this activity).

Now, I want go Zorbing too - but it's not in the US yet. Anyone else wanna go with me to another country to try Zorbing?

**********************************************
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:

Lori -- HI
Steven - HI
Nichole - HI

WHERE ARE YOUR HAIKUS??????? (5/15/2003)

SEND THEM TO: girlladyfriend@XXXXX.XXX

THEME: Why I Hate (Some) Media

REMEMBER: 5-7-5 metric format

++++++++++++++
This week's horoscopes go out to:
Jen, Mike and Graham -- thanks for dinner AGAIN
Bob, Russell and Steven -- let's not see a movie at 10 AM again
Sunita and Audrey -- Chennai was great -- let's do it again
Eileen -- I haven't seen you since New Year's -- where the hell have you been?
Kate, Jeff and Abby -- I am thinking of you and your new visitor! Let's call him Gallahad.
Cassie -- for truly inspiration haiku, you are spunk.

Calling All Haiku Masters! (5-7-2003)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Avast ye scurvy dogs! (4/30/2003)

AHOY thar! I forgot to send this out. My brain has been in a fog all week.
Not sure why.
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I am thinking of starting a contest. And this time there really is a prize. More later.
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Read The Eyre Affair - I loved it!!!
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This week's horoscopes go out to Jen, Mike and Graham - thanks!

sigh (4/23/2003)

Ok - I succumbed. I turned off my TV for the ninth annual TV-Turnoff Week, April 21-27. The Week is promoted nationally by TV-Turnoff Network, a nonprofit organization. Of course, this group is most probably funded by religious organizations as a guise to bring their opinions mainstream. But who cares - I could use with turning off the TV for a week.

I know, you are thinking - Michelle won't make it. Well, I have. Of course, that doesn't mean I have stopped watching TV. Actually, I am taping everything to watch it this weekend. I know, it's supposed to be for the entire week. Well, my shows are only on Mon-Thurs and Sunday. So IN MY MIND, it's okay to watch everything I taped this weekend as long as I don't watch TV from Mon-Thurs and Sunday.

============================

This week's horoscopes go out to:

>> Mike, Jen and Graham
>> Sally and Todd, great to see you last weekend!
>> Audrey, the bridal shower hostess with the most-ess
>> Ann & Dabney, great seeing you for 24 hours!

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I have a migraine.
___________________________________________

So I took the Dragon Coach USA http://www.ivymedia.com/dragoncoachusa/
, just one of the Chinatown buses, to Washington, DC, to visit my friend Michelle Ertischek and to see the cherry blossoms. Michelle E. is great, loving DC and the cherry blossoms are beautiful. If you ever get a chance to be in DC in time for the blossoms, go see it!

Well, I know that a lot of people (ok, my sister-in-law Jen) want to know what the Chinatown bus is like (I should explain: there are buses that only travel between Chinatowns in different cities. On the East Coast, there are buses that go between Chinatowns in Boston, New York and DC). I have now traveled on two to Boston and one roundtrip to DC. My first experiences were a little treacherous. It was on the Fung Wah
http://www.fungwahbus.com/ or
http://www.ivymedia.com/fungwah/
bus.
$20 one way. The bus picks up and drops off in NYC at the really big Buddhist Temple off of the Manhattan Bridge entrance/exit. I went early on a week day morning; so traffic was busy, but the corner was pretty empty. The first "bus" I rode on was actually one of those short buses that you see for the rental car agencies at the airport. Usually a couple of minutes on one of those are fine. But a 4.5 hour ride to Boston is another story ENTIRELY. Those buses have no shocks. So we experienced every pot hole between here and Boston. And let me tell you, there are a lot of potholes between these two cities.

The second time I rode the Chinatown bus was on the Sunshine Travel
http://www.sunshineboston.com/bustours/ct2bosnyc/
or http://www.ivymedia.com/sunshine/ buses. This bus picked up in a very busy part of town. However, there was no sign telling me which bus was where. Very non-descript. I finally figured out what was going on and waited with all of the other people for the bus. When the time came, the person taking the tickets started pushing us to another corner around the block. We all were a little freaked out by this. We had no idea where we were going. And it was dark! However, at the other corner, the bus was waiting for us.

Now, I knew that this bus was a full size Greyhound like bus. I saw it on the road when I was on the Fung Wah bus. However, what I didn't realize at the time was that this bus, although it does go to Boston, stops mid-way at Mohegan Sun. Now, Mohegan Sun isn't really on the way. However, what did I care? $20 one way! There were a lot of Chinese people on the bus (There weren't any Chinese people on the Fung Wah bus, but I think that they knew that the short bus wasn't worth the ride). I would say that there were 70% Chinese and 30% Other on the bus. Sunshine definitely was geared toward their major clientele as they had Chinese soap operas with no English subtitles televised over the tiny, little tv screens. What was funny was when we got to Mohegan Sun (oh, I should explain. For those who don't know, Mohegan Sun is a casino run by the Mohegan Tribe, also known as the Wolf People. Well, the Wolf People have made a very nice resort and a great museum on Native American culture and, did you know, a radio station called The Wolf), almost all of the Chinese people got off the bus. It was amusing to see the bus empty out so quickly. I am not sure whether they were there to work or gamble, but either way, they all were in a hurry.

Since the first two times were just okay, I thought, why not take it to DC.

So I took the Dragon Coach (how cliché). This time, I didn't know what size bus I was going to get, but luck would have it, I got the big bus. However, when I got to the pickup/dropoff location, there were three buses - for three different bus vendors going to DC, Philly and somewhere in PA.

So, it took a little bit of sleuthing, but I got on the right bus to DC. It was actually an enjoyable trip. The bus didn't stop at a casino (it did stop for a rest stop and in Baltimore - I think the actual bus station in Baltimore) and there were Chinese movies with English subtitles. I got to see "Hero," a Zhang Yi Mou Film. I am not sure if it is even playing in the US now. It was really good. Short on dialogue, Big on action. And the sets and costumes were amazing. Basically a Hong Kong action film, but classy. It was a good trip. So worth the roundtrip cost of $35!!!!!!!!! On the return, there was no movie, but that was okay - I was passed out
anyway.

___________________________________________

This week's horoscopes go out to:

> Mark, get well soon!
> Michelle E., thanks for the great weekend!
> Russell and Bob, welcome back!
> Pluto, sorry I didn't call!

New and Improved!

I have been barraged by magazines lately. I traded in my United miles for magazines and I renewed my People subscription AND subscribed to this new magazine called Budget Living. I have to say I was trying REALLY hard not to renew the People subscription. It's so expensive. But I couldn't hold back. I was going through entertainment/gossip/trash withdrawal. But now, not only do I get more gossip than I can take, I now get Time magazine, which - let's face it - is the biggest gossip rag around. If it wasn't for the fact that they put a scary picture on the cover each week, it would be People magazine. They chew up information and spit it out into little bite size pieces of pabulum for us to eat. Of course, they don't have pretty pictures of Oscar night - instead they have pretty pictures of Bush and Cheney. Regardless, People and Time are the same - Time just doesn't have the guts to admit what it really is: trash.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
ARGH!!!!! I am meeting with my accountant today and I forgot all of my tax forms at home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out of space, out of mind (3/27/2003)

You know, in my mind, I sent this email out. I even had a witty comment to make about NYC, but I forgot it and to send this out. Next time.

*******************************************************
This week's horoscopes go out to:

> Ann, what would I do if I didn't know what you ate for lunch today?
> Jen and Graham, what a long strange trip it was. Let's do it again.
> Mom and Dad, thanks for only mentioning getting married once in four days.
> Bob and Russell, I hope Venice wasn't too wet!
> Kate and Abby, it was so great seeing you!

Grey skies are going to clear up! (3/19/2003)

ANAL ALERT:

So, have you started hoarding duct tape, can goods and batteries? Personally, I think that all of these items should be staples in every home in America anyway (except for the duct tape. It seems to me that you either need lots of rolls of duct tape for a project or you will never use it at all). Maybe because I grew up in a state where hurricanes are known to blow through four months out of twelve. We always had a hurricane/emergency kit of sorts at home. So, I guess I find it strange that people are running out now to get flashlights and radios. Isn't it common sense to have candles, can goods and a can opener at home? I can understand if you don't have plastic sheeting (or if you do, no judgments here), but can goods? Come on! Of course, I probably think this way because I am anal. But you wait and see - who are you going to call in case of an emergency? That's right...

*****************************************
I leave for Florida tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (3-14-2003)

Hi all - sorry for the lateness. As some of you know from my bellyaching, I have been out sick with a stomach virus. So, officially, I have been sick for SIX WEEKS. For those who are counting (and there will be prizes*), I have had Revenge from Mexico, bronchitis and this virus. I don't think I can take more of these body fluid issues. And this past illness is the first time in a while that I projectile vomited. I know, I share too much - but I share, because I CARE. :-) The body is amazing though. It doesn't want something, it tries damn hard to get rid of it. And it gives you warning signs along the way too. I could elaborate, but I have shared
too much.

=========================
This week's horoscopes go out to:

Michelle E, bon voyage!
Mike and Jen, thanks for answering the phone!

Are those your feet hanging out the window? (3-5-2003)

Rain, rain, stay all day,
We want winter to go away
It's warmer when there is spray
So rain, rain, stay all day

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I now officially hate table tennis and ping pong balls. And AOL.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:

>> Sunita, Happy Belated Birthday!
>> Lori, Congratulations on running the LA Marathon!
>> Michelle E., thanks for listening
>> Jen B., have a good flight and bon chance!

What happened to global warming? (2-26-2003)

I have bronchitis.

****************************************************
From Mike C., an interesting article. I have felt like duct taping some of the people in my neighborhood, in my neighborhood...

Judge duct tapes defendant's mouth
Man 'was being very disruptive'
From CNN.COM
http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/Southwest/02/26/taped.defendant.ap/index.html


LUBBOCK, Texas (AP) --A Texas judge ordered a defendant's mouth to be
taped shut after the man kept interrupting his lawyer and the judge during an
aggravated assault trial.

For about 20 minutes Tuesday, Carl Wiley, 36, ignored pleas from state
District Judge Jim Bob Darnell and his own mother to keep quiet during
a hearing outside the jury's presence.

Finally, Darnell ordered bailiffs to seal Wiley's mouth with duct tape.

"He was being very disruptive and he was trying to fire his second
court-appointed attorney, and I informed him that when the attorney is
appointed by the court, only the court can fire the attorney," Darnell
said.

"Mr. Wiley continued to interrupt him," Darnell said, referring to
attorney Steve Hamilton, "so the court duct-taped his mouth until the jury came
in. Then I had him removed from the courtroom."

Hamilton declined to comment on the incident or on his client's
conviction later Tuesday for ramming his vehicle into his estranged wife's car.
She was not injured.

No sentencing date has been set.

****************************************************
This week's horoscopes go out to:
>> Caitlyn, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
>> Audrey, HAPPY BIRTHDAY
>> JeeYun, Sun Ae, thanks for dinner
>> Irene, thanks for dinner

Ah, sweet of mystery of life, at last I've found thee! (2/19/2003)

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Love Me, Love My ****

You know, while I was in Mexico, I found out that I am anal. And I
don't mean that to be a pun on the Montezuma's Revenge. I have never
realized that I can be fiendishly picky about certain things. I always thought
I was a laid back kind of person. Live and let live, let the chips fall
where they may. But my friends pointed out to me that I am anal. Now, they
didn't mean it in a malicious way and they were sort of sorry to point
it out to me, but I am glad they did. It does prey on my mind, as Bob and
Russell know. However, I don't think it is something to be ashamed of,
nor do I think that I need to change my anal qualities (Sidebar: Did you
know that the slang "anal" does not translate into Mexican Spanish? It's
true). So, for the record, I am going to let all of you know what my anal
qualities are (or at least the top 10). Many of you know these things about me,
others have yet to enjoy the special-ness.

1) I wash my hands before I eat, after I eat, when I get somewhere
new, when I am about to leave somewhere to go somewhere else, when I am
about to touch food - well, basically all the time.

2) I do have a germ-phobia. I carry antibacterial Wet Ones in my
purse.

3) I put two pillowcases on each pillow, as well as a pillow case
cover on my pillows. I also put a mattress pad and two fitted sheets on my bed.
This is my germ barrier.

4) Most times, I pack several days in advance of a trip. This
includes putting my clothes and under things in my Travel Space Bags
(http://www.myspacebag.com/ ) as well as a
well-stocked medicine bag (the bag is a Ziploc bag). Again, protective
barrier.

5) I always bring my Japanese wash towel. It's made of this fibrous
tough plastic mesh that really does slough off dead skin cells. I really
don't feel clean unless I have that with me.

6) I don't like sharing drinks.

7) If you need it, I might have it in my purse. Really, this is true.

8) I cannot wear most clothes twice.

9) I smoke, but I hate the smell of smoke, especially on my hands (see
No. 1).

10) I wash my hair everyday because I hate the smell of smoke and fear
that it is in my hair (see No. 9) - all the time.


Now to counteract my analness, here is my free-wheeling-devil-may-care
side:

1) I like sharing food - most of the time.

2) I mop maybe once every two months. Vacuum maybe every three
months.

3) I barely ever dust.

4) I have no organizational skills and it really doesn't bother me
that much. Sure I complain about it, but if I did care, I would clean out my
closet, as well as the junk that takes up all of the space underneath
my bed and couch, etc.

5) I have a hard time taking out the trash.

6) I sometimes keep butts in my ashtray for a week.

7) I will keep food in the fridge forever, despite its edibility.

8) I do eat food that has fallen on my floor, unless it is something
gooey like pasta with sauce. And sometimes food that has fallen on a
countertop other than the one in my home (again, not the gooey stuff).

9) I do wear my jeans regularly for at least two weeks before I wash
them.

10) I don't care how other people live their lives unless they are
harming themselves or I am feeling the need to share my analness with others.

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It's nice to know that Jedis are out there and making their vote count.

Census proves the force of Christianity
The London Telegraph
By Jonathan Petre, Religion Correspondent
(Filed: 14/02/2003)


Most people in England and Wales - 71.1 per cent - still regard
themselves as Christians, the first official count of religious affiliation has
found.

Despite the sharp decline in churchgoing and the growth of secularism,
37.3 million described their religion as Christianity, according to the 2001
Census published yesterday.

The census, the first to ask a question on religion, confirmed Islam as
the second largest faith, with 1.54 million (3.1 per cent).

It also recorded 552,000 Hindus (1.1 per cent), 329,000 Sikhs (0.6 per
cent), 260,000 Jews (0.5), 144,000 Buddhists (0.3) and 150,000 (0.3)
from other religions.

Just over four million refused to answer the question, which was
voluntary, and 7.7 million (14.8) said they had no religion.

Though most of the figures were broadly in line with previous
estimates, the census produced some surprises.

The North East emerged as the most Christian region of the country,
although it has one of the lowest rates of church attendance. The North West
districts of St Helens, Wigan and Copeland had the highest proportions
of Christians (86 per cent or more).

Even more unexpectedly Norwich in Norfolk, which once boasted having
one church for every week of the year, was the least devout place,
recording the highest proportion of people of no religion (27.8 per cent). It was
followed by Brighton and Hove, and Cambridge.

The Bishop of Norwich, the Rt Rev Graham James, said: "Norwich has a
higher than average level of church attendance. So, if it is the least
religious place in the country, it has an odd way of showing it.

"Plainly there is still plenty of scope for further mission but I
suspect that what affects the statistics is that Norwich, unlike many cities,
has only a very small representation of other faiths."

Brighton also surfaced as the spiritual home of an unlikely movement
which can now claim more adherents than the Sikhs, Jews or Buddhists - the
Jedi Knights.

Star Wars devotees were encouraged by an internet campaign to register
themselves as Jedi, intergalactic warriors able to harness a mysterious
energy field called the Force, under the misapprehension that, if more
than 10,000 did, it would be recognised as an official religion.

Despite the efforts of census officials to counter the campaign,
390,000 people (0.7 per cent), mostly in university towns, gave their religion
as Jedi.

Len Cook, the Registrar General for England and Wales, said they had
been categorised among those who said they had no religion.

"I suspect this was a decision which will not be challenged greatly,"
he said. "I think there are other reasons why something should be classed
as a religion, rather than a group of people getting together on the
internet."

The highest proportion of Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and Jews is in
London, with 36.4 per cent of the borough of Tower Hamlets describing
themselves as Muslim. However Sikhs are most highly concentrated in Slough.

Despite the number calling themselves Christian, only about 11 per cent
now go to church at least once a month.

The Bishop of Lichfield, the Rt Rev Keith Sutton, said: "These figures
prove as a lie the claims by the National Secular Society and others that
England is no longer a Christian country.

"But welcome as they are, they are a wake-up call to Christian
leadership. While the Christian faith remains relevant to the majority of society,
the Church is clearly no longer seen as important."

***********************************************
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:

>> Duct Tape, will its wonders never cease?
>> Sandy, congratulations on your first REAL job!
>> Graham, hey! You can walk!

Movin right along (Digga-dug Digga-Dug) (2/12/2003)

The Westminster Dog Show 2003
By Michelle Park

So many dogs, so many proud dog owners, handlers, and people who just
love dogs. SO MANY. It really was an amazing event. I was at the
Westminster Dog Show volunteering with the ASPCA. They were hosting an information
table, passing out important information about caring for dogs and what
the ASPCA does. Even though I was there because of the organization, my
REAL reason for going was to see the dogs.

The dogs were immaculate. They were well-groomed, with their toes
clipped, hairs cut, anal glands expressed (if you don't know what this is, you
don't want to know). They were also incredibly well-behaved. You know they
are just supposed to be, but these dogs are INCREDIBLY well-behaved. If it
wasn't for the fact that there were dogs and people wearing dog
paraphernalia, you would never know that it was a dog show. The dogs
never said a word. The people on the other hand were very loud.

The dogs who were being judged that day had to be there all day. So
each dog had a bench, where their crate and other important items stayed.
The other important items not only included grooming care, bedding, toys,
etc., but also scrapbooks of photos from previous shows, paperwork certifying
their championship status, and even theme banners. Some crates even
had little fans attached or heating blankets (although, they weren't
necessary as the entire place was overheated).

And the types of dogs! I only showed up for the second day as I was
still feeling under the weather on the first. Therefore I missed the judging
for Working, Terrier, Toy, and Non-Sporting Groups. But I was there for
the Sporting, Hound and Herding Groups. The dogs from these groups are
quite large. Lots of spaniels, hounds and collies. And so many different
breeds. Personally, I can't tell the difference between a Curly-coated
retriever and a Chesapeake Bay retriever, but there were LOTS of people who could
tell the difference. However, regardless of the breed, I loved them all.

Now for the people. If you have seen Best in Show, then you know the
parodies of the dog people in the Dog Show business (If you haven't
seen the movie, then rent it - one of the best films out there). Well, I can
tell you now that those parodies are not that far off from reality. There
were the uptight, well-dressed types who were super anal and VERY snobbish
about their dogs to the 300 dog pins wearing large ladies who really
shouldn't be wearing their American Flag leggings. And I don't know about you but I
have always wondered who bought the shirts with air-brushed art of dogs.
Well wonder no more. It's these people.

What I also noticed about the people hanging about the crates, chatting
like it was a cocktail party or a hoe-down, was that they all seem to know
each other. This is a tight band of people. They know that their love of
dogs is at a level that most people would consider insane or obsessed - but
here, they are accepted.

All in all - it was a dog love fest. A dog orgy of sorts. I had a
great time. I didn't stay for the evening judging of Best in Group and Best
in Show (the tickets we got through the ASPCA were free, which also meant
bad seats), but I enjoyed hanging out, meeting the people, petting the
dogs, and overall having a good time.

PHOTOS: If you are interested in seeing pictures, please email me at
mpark@popcouncil.org. I have them in a PowerPoint format, which not
everyone can see.

*****************************************************
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:
>> Jen Brown, Happy Birthday!
>> Carey, Happy Birthday!

Everyone needs their own blanket (1/8/2003)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
GREAT COMPANY NAME
"Old Punjab Towing Company"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
GOT MILK?
I can't stress enough the importance of calcium in everyone's diet. I
don't
want to see ANY of you with brittle bones or curved spines just because
you
were too lazy to take some supplements, drink your milk or eat
mighty-greens. A New York Times article below (see asterisk * line)
for
more information.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:
>> People who say, "Yahoo!"
>> Jen Brown, welcome back!

Purty chickens (1/3/2003)

Late again. Can't help it. I am drained from this year's holidays.
The
Year of the Horse has been a bitch for me and other Rats. I can't wait
for
it to end! Of course, you Horses out there, ride out the year with a
bang!

**********************
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:
>> Sunita, Hostess with the Mostest
>> Sally and Todd, congrats on the engagement!
>> Lori, great seeing you!

IT SNOWED! (12/27/02)

Due to technical difficulties, we apologize for the delay in your
horoscopes.

****************************
Ah, nothing like a white Christmas. It snowed here on Christmas
evening and
Bob, Russell and I walked through Central Park. It was really
beautiful. I
hope everyone out there had a beautiful Christmas or at least a
tolerable
Festivus :)

It's SNOWWWING! (12/27/02)

Ah, nothing like a white Christmas. It snowed here on Christmas evening and Bob, Russell and I walked through Central Park. It was really beautiful. I hope everyone out there had a beautiful Christmas or at least a tolerable Festivus :)

I LOVE BAGELS (12/19/02)

Ah a day late, but still thinking of you...

*********************************
Hi all -- Christmas is upon us. I have summarily avoided going to the shops by purchasing all of my gifts online. There was an ad on the side of the bus this morning for Yahoo Shopping which said, O come all ye lazy, which appropriately fits my shopping mood this season. I think that the economy (the bad e-word) is making this season not so merry and bright. But we all have to do what we can. The way I combat the holiday blues is to send Bush angry emails. Yes, I have become one of those wacky people who sends emails to politicos, complaining about something or other. It's hard to avoid NOT using the Internet to reach out and touch someone. Of course, I would like to slap the little bas***d, but that's neither herenor there (and I would get slammed into jail for avery long time if I did so). Don't you wish sometimes that presidents still had the Sunday afternoon chats, where they allowed the commoners to "drop" by and speak their minds? I would give Bush a piece of mind and then steal a giant wheel of government cheese(Does anyone remember if it was Madison or Jackson who opened the White House to guest and offered them giant wheels of cheese, among other party favors? ProbablyJackson. He knew how to have a good time. And wha tis it with the people's love affair with government cheese? Maybe it is a Southern thing, but some of the wealthy snobby people I knew growing up loved their government cheese).

*********************************
As you all know, I love television. I think all of those formative years spent in front of the old black and white changed my brain chemistry to leave a large section of my white matter addicted to TV. I have finally gone over the deep end and signed up for digital television. The digital part is lost on my tv-- not that sophisticated; BUT the 300 channels as well as the four premium channels (HBO, Cinemax, TheMOvie Channel and Showtime) definitely make up for the less crisp picture. So if you are in the neighborhood, call and drop by to watch the telly -- it's amazing how there really isnothing to watch on TV anymore, especially when you have 300 choices to choose from.

*********************************
This week's horoscopes go out to:
-- Bob and Russell
-- Alex
-- Mike & Jen (and Graham)

If you had wings, if you had wings, if you had wings, had wings, had wings... (12/11/02)

Did you visit Disney World in the 70s and 80s? Well, I was getting nostalgic and found that the Disney website (I know! They are EVIL, but what can I say? I grew up 3 hours away from that Evil Empire and anytime anyone came to visit, we went to Disney World. I have been there at least 40 times.) that they have audio clips of some of the "retired" rides. Yes, they have retired several rides, most of which were quite boring, but it was the kitsch of it all that made them great. In particular, my favorites were "If You Had Wings" sponsored by Eastern Airlines (remember that?The crazy cop directing traffic of flamingos?[http://home.cfl.rr.com/omniluxe/iyhw-music.htm]) and"Carousel of Progress" sponsored by General Electric [http://disneylandsource.com/tom/history.html]. I could spend hours explaining what the rides were like, but I don't have to. Freaks like me have already created web sites devoted to these retired rides. Unbelievable. Now if people would just spend this kind of energy helping each other...

**************************************

The following has been cribbed from an email from Mark Steyn, who is too brilliant for words:

"Song of Satan: There are two strong contenders at the moment, prime candidate one being Jennifer Lopez with Jenny from the block, which as far as I can tell is a cloying attempt to convince us all that beneath the successful, millionaire, hollywood, pop star exterior she's just the same old j-lo she's always been. Hmm. However, I think I'm going to have to give it to Christina Aguilera for Dirty. In this case it's not so much that I object to the song, it's just that everytime I see the video it makes me want to shake her and tell her to go put on some clothes!"

Girlladyfriend's response: When I see that video, I just want to take everyone in it and make them take a shower and wear something decent. I am tired of Christina wearing bandaids and bad hair extensions onTV. She needs an emergency makeover.

**************************************

This week's HUZZAHs go out to:

>> Audrey

>> Lori

>> Mark

Festival of Lights (12/04/02)

Hanukkah bus: there is a group who has a caravan of minibuses and campers that have electric menorahs displayed prominently and music blaring from speaker systems. I don't know their names, but they drive around NYC, waving at people, sharing the joy of the Hanukkah season. Orthodox jews sitting in their campers, driving by, waving and smiling. Makes me happy.

********************************

NO SYMPATHY CORNER

I just got my teeth cleaned today and again no cavities. I have never had a cavity or braces. Yes, I am bragging. But the dentist want to add some sort of cap like thing on two teeth because I have worn away the gums around these teeth to overly aggressive brushing. I have to say, I am scared. I know it's a simple thing and he will just be gluing on these small thingies, but... what if I get a cavity? What if he puts on things that are too big and then I get a toothy grin?

********************************

This week's horoscopes are dedicated to the usual suspects:

>> Russell and Bob

>> Ann and Dabney

>> Diane

>> Fiedler, get well soon!

>> Michelle E

Paint smells. (11/27/02)

THINGS I NOTICED THIS WEEK:

-- BIG WIDE WORLD

There are so many cultures and peoples in NYC. It really is amazing. And people bring their cultural idiosyncrasies with them. For example, in Asian countries, people are used to squatting, especially if they are from the older generations. If they are hanging out by the corner or cooking near a stove on the floor, they squat. Anyway, I was walking towards the Amish Market near work, and these two fairly young Asian guys were walking towards me, smoking their cigarettes. They noticed the bench outside of the market and decided to cop a squat. Literally. They put their feet on the"seating" part of the bench and then they squatted, like hens. It was really interesting. Maybe they're more germ-phobic than me about sitting on public property? Or it was just more comfortable for them to just cop a perched squat. I don't know. Side bar: Also, although many are considered old school and have been tossed for the new American models, there are still squatting toilets all around the world. Yes, you squat and do your business.

-- BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

It's been getting colder here in NYC, with threats of snow and wind (which have yet to materialize). However, people have brought out their winter wear. Hats, scarves, gloves, mittens, parkas, you name it. A couple of days ago, this woman, in jeans, sandy-colored fur-trimmed parka, sunglasses and frosted hair, walked by. I then noticed her hands. She was wearing boxing gloves for mittens. Now, do you think she was "on a mission?" Mama said knock you out! Or, just a really quirky lady? You know, there was this woman in Boston who used to roller skate around Ann's neighborhood wearing oven mitts on her hands. She was a little mentally off, but if you are rollerblading/skating and don't have the money for safety gear, I think oven mitts are an excellent alternative. And so are boxing gloves.

*********************************

Big Thanksgiving Turkey/Tofurkeys to:

* Bob and Russell

* Ann, Dabney, Diane, Jack and Fiedler

* Michelle E.

* Carey and her brother Matthew

Do you hear that? (11/20/02)

So, I hit a major wall at work this week. My job, as some of you know, is working on financial reports. Well this week, I lost the ability to add and subtract. Completely. Couldn't do it. Just numbers floating on a page. It was sad really. Freaked me out. My friends thought that may be this happened because I am bored at work. But I am not, really. I think it is because I have always had a mental block against money. Balancing it, transfering it, paying it off for this and that, borrowing it. Spending it is not a problem. But figuring out where it goes and why there is a daily balance and an APR for the year-- now that makes me want to hurl heavy large things at the credit card companies. Thankfully, my ability to add has come back, slowly. I am not sure what happened. Age? Lack of sleep? Aliens drilling in my brain? I will never know.

***************************
LESSON LEARNED
My super came by two nights ago because it seemed my shower was leaking and causing damage below. So, I said sure, come on in. He worked on it -- put down some new caulk, tinkered behind the taps. I let him be and wandered back to my chair to watch some tv. Didn't want to bother him -- he knew what he was doing-- or so I thought. So yesterday I found out what he did: he did caulk the tub and tinker around. But he also closed up the valve that drains the water out of my shower. So now, the water just builds up, around my feet, grossing me out. Freaks me out even now. All that soupy stuff --euw. Next time my super comes to fix something, I am going to watch.

***************************
This week's horoscopes go out to:
- Kim, thanks for calling in
- Yvette, YOU are the funny one
- Bob, get out the HUMIDIFIER

You got some bagel stuck in your teeth...right there (11/13/02)

I don't have much to contribute this week. If youhave anything you want to say, let me know and I willdistribute it next week.

**************************************
My Winter Speech: Replenishing Fluids
You know, every year I give this speech, but I can't tell you how important it is to replenish your fluids. The heat, mostly dry, depletes you of fluid and those electrolytes that keep your body and immune system going. So, keep drinking that water and Gatorade (I swear by that stuff -- it really does quench your thirst when you are sick -- water just doesn't do it) and get a humidifier. Yes a humidifer. It is a pain in the ass to clean, but your respiratory system (and your skin) will thank you.

**************************************
RETRACTION: I received quite a few emails about my NYC etiquette email last week: all dealing with children not deserving seats. I retract that statement and now say that children under 8 deserves eats. I think that children above 8 have the balance and dexterity to stand in a moving bus. Especially if there are elderly or pregnant people on board who are also standing.

**************************************
This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:
-- Dabney, Happy birthday!
-- Ann and Dabney, congratulations (again) on the engagement!
-- Sunita and Greg, congratulations on the engagement!

I can't wait to watch Enterprise tonight! (11/06/02)

Rules of NYC Etiquette by Michelle Park:

Chapter IX: BUSES

1) When waiting for a bus, stay in a line and do not cut that line. If you see someone cut the line, feel free to tell that person that there is a line. Sometimes, people are just stupid and don't notice. If they ignore you, feel free to mutter a loud rude comment about them.

2) Do not stand on the curb while waiting for the bus. The bus is a large, fast, heavy beast and if you have the misfortune to be clipped or run over by one because you were standing on the curb, then that's your own damn fault. Always stand at least 2 feetaway from the curb to avoid fatality (This alsoa pplies to intersections -- see chapter VIII: Walking in NYC).

3) Always have your Metrocard or fare ready before you get on the bus. If you are not ready, let others get on the bus before you do.

4) If the bus is crowded, move to the very BACK of the bus. There is ALWAYS room at the back of the bus and sometimes even a seat. Usually, though, there is a tiny sliver of a seat, usually between two people who feel that they need much more room than other people do.

5) If you must stand in the middle of the crowded bus and not move to the back, then be ready to be yelled at and jostled. That's your punishment and NYers have every right to make mean comments about you, unless you are a parent and need to stay near your seated child.

6) Children do not deserve seats. Old, disabled orpregnant people deserve seats. Not children.

7) Do not use your cell phone in public. Refrain from conversations about your stock trading or what you did last night. No one cares. We hate you for talking so loud.

8) Your bags do not deserve a seat either.

9) Always let people off the bus. The more you delay them, the longer you will be on the bus. Be ready to be stepped on. That just goes with the territory of being on a crowded bus. It doesn't do you any good to gripe about it either.

10) Do not talk loudly or carry a loud conversation on the bus: other passengers do not care that you think your child is the brightest thing on the planet. We think he is a rude child that was never taught by you to talk about and point at strangers.

11) Feel free to scream "BACK DOOR" if the bus' back doors do not open.

12) When pressed forcefully, the yellow tape on the back doors open the doors automatically.

13) Do not sigh loudly or act annoyed if a disabled person in a wheelchair gets on board. They have just as much right if not more to be on that bus.

14) Do not eat on the bus -- that's just gross.

15) Say hello and goodbye to the bus driver. S/hemay not respond to you, but it is the polite thing todo.

++++++++++++++++++

PLUG:This Saturday, November 9, ASPCA will be at the Central Park bandshell from 11-4, showcasing some very adoptable dogs and cats. I will be there, doghandling as usual. So if you are interested ingetting a pet, come on by!

++++++++++++++++++

This week's horoscopes are dedicated to:

>> Kim, thinking of you

>> Lori, thanks

>> Michelle E., doing headstands in your office were the highlight of that job

>> Mike, Jen and Graham, thanks for hosting the animals

KUNG FU FIGHTING! (10/30/02)

So Michelle Ertischek and I were having a discussion this week about violence and death, and how the nation has become quite immune to it. I mentioned to her that Steven Segal, renown Buddhist, has no qualms in"acting" in very violent movies -- his three-word-or-less titled movies (have you ever noticed that the titles of his movies are always three words or less: ABOVE THE LAW, HARD TO KILL, UNDERSIEGE) always have lots of fighting, guns, blood, guts, etc., and people obviously go see his movies or he wouldn't keep making them. Of course, take the gory and violent stuff away and you have pretty much 2 minutes of credits. However, how does a Buddhist condone such violent behavior? Ertischek astutely reminded me that Steven Segal is an idiot; which quickly brought me back to reality. I did a little searching and found these great tidbits about Steven:

in 1997 he announced that he was the reincarnation of a Tibetan lama; he has made references to his past in the CIA and his mafia ties; and I don't even want totalk about his music "career."

***********************

So, I haven't had heat for most of October because the boiler in my building went out. Oddly enough, I did have hot water, but they shut that off on Monday when they replaced the boiler. However, I am pleased to announce that last night I actually had both heat and hot water. And I learned something: I can totally live without heat, but can't live without hot water. Just can't. Cold water is horrifying in the winter time. My nightmare. But in the grand scheme of things, that too is not essential. But still!

***********************

This week's horoscopes go out to:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORI!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!

Bob, thanks for shielding my eyes through Red Dragon

Hi Manisha!

'cause I am FREEEEE, FREEEE FALLLLINNNNNNNNNNN' (10/23/02)

Michelle has placed her brain in temporary stasis. Walk on -- there is nothing to see here.

----------------------------
This week's horoscopes go out to:
>> Ann & Dabney, congratulations!

Here comes Santa Claus! (10/16/02)

Last night, I had the most amazing taxicab ride EVER. Ahmed, the driver, made me laugh so hard -- I can't remember when I laughed that much. He's a character. Laugh riot. He taped recorded our conversation --why? Who knows. But what is really interesting is that he decorates his cab for Christmas -- he's been on Good Morning America because of his cab. And he has pictures to prove it. People call him up just to reserve time to take photos in his cab with all of his Christmas decorations. He has something like 800 lights in his car for the occasion. He also quality tests the dioramas by driving up and down Henry Hudson with the windows open to make sure nothing falls off or apart. Quite the craftsman. He is also probably the nicest cab driver I have ever met. So if you are interested in meeting Ahmed or need a ride, I have his numbers. He doesn't start the Christmas cab until Dec 1 and it runs through Jan 8.

***********************************

This week's horoscopes go out to:

>> Kim, BIG HUG :)

>> Graham, (IT'S KOMO) feel better sweety!

>> Blend Engine, YOU ROCK!

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman... (10/9/02)

This week's horoscopes go out to:
>>>Hasta luego, Sally!
>>>Bon anniversaire, Sandy!
>>>Herzlichen Glückwunsch nachträglich, Toby!
>>>Biz hundert azoi ve tsvantsik, Steven!

P-CAW! (10/2/02)

Morning Mishap:
Some of you have heard this already, but it's a funny story...now. I walked out of my apt yesterday morning, late because I couldn't think of what to wear (that and I seriously over slept). Got to the corner and began to drink my iced coffee from my silver thermos. Well, while I was sipping and daydreaming, this guy pointed at me andsaid, "Watch out!" I looked down and it turned out that my cup lid wasn't screwed on. So it all spilled on me. Had to walk back home and change.

++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, blondes do have more fun. They got the last laugh on the international media this week. I heard this story on the national news and it made me think,who the hell cares????http://www.nytimes.com/2002/10/02/health/02BLON.html?pagewanted=print&position=top

++++++++++++++++++++++++
Feng shui-t:
Ok, so I am reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Feng Shui (many f.s. orgs recommend this book). On reading the section on the placement of homes, it turns out that there are a number of bad luck buildings you shouldn't live next to or too near. For example, a school, a hospital and a church -- these locales bring lots of chaos and hurt (the last two because people go there with their problems and seek comfort). I live next to John Jay Criminal College, St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital and a pentecostal church is next door. How lucky am I??????

++++++++++++++++++++++++
This week's horoscopes go out to:
Lynn, I want a cupcake now.
Graham, it's KOMO (Korean for Aunt)! Feel better!
Bob and Russell, now we really are having dinner tomorrow, right?